Journey

This story begins many years ago, and over too many mistakes to number. This story outlines my struggles, trials, cycles and consequences to my addiction to pornography and sexual sin. This story will be honest and candid; I have no fear of truth. The bitter results of my addiction and struggle with my natural man will only benefit me, if this story is not shared and my mistakes avoided by others. For that purpose I make this attempt to tell my story, share my success and failures and offer advice to the sinners, victims and leaders and loved ones hoping to support and help others addicted with this vicious sickness.

Like many who share my addiction, I was introduced to pornography around 12 or 13 years old. The instant gratification and false sense of control and fantasy attempted to fill many of my emotional needs during adolescence. The chemical impact of pornography and the endorphins released during my acting out behavior has been proven to be more powerful then many external drugs because it’s your own drugs. These drugs and fantasies became my major source of receiving love and acceptance during my life. Much like alcohol and drugs, it became a trusted, treacherous friend. The cycle of shame and guilt of acting out became the trigger and source of my next failure. This cycle creates a truly insane, broken life in bondage to my natural man.

I had many years of short term success that were always followed by destructive faith-destroying failures. As an addict to pornography, I felt like a leper. hiding my blemishes of sins, from my family, friends and church leaders. feeling if my illness were to be revealed, I would be cast out and hated for the sin and filth that filled my mind, words and actions. I desired to hide my sins and live up to the expectations of perfection of my loved ones. I placed painful issues into my life. My fear of 100% honesty and to be completely ready to accept the potential consequences of my actions caused me to live a deceptive double life. Each lie would bind me further and further from the truth and feeling like I would ever be clean.

Why is it so hard? In my case, it was an immense pressure to be everything my parents, my bishops and my wife wanted me to be--everything I had tried to present myself as. I could not be 100% honest and 100% perfect all the time and my sins overwhelmed my life. I became consumed with sinning and covering up my sin. I enjoyed it. My addiction was comfortable. It never nagged me, judged me or expected more of me. Once my sins were out in the open, the rationalization and effort to contain and manipulate the truth intensified. Half truths and 90% repentance became the mechanisms to manage the feelings of my wife and family. My wife’s--now Ex-wife--attempts to help became more of a co-dependent task master to be appeased. Efforts and failures to keep her happy became a huge source of pain, shame and guilt, triggering more temptation to sin and a sense of worthlessness.

I had so many failures in trying to manage my addiction. So many times “I” tried to “slay”, “kill”, “conquer”, “control” and “defeat” my addiction. I read books, put filters on the computer, asked my wife to check and control the sites I could and would visit. These walls to keep the temptations out worked only in a short term, and eventually these walls to protect become walls to keep me trapped and feeling cornered. My walls (physical barriers) to quit looking at pornography without true complete repentance caused dire consequences as my guilt and the shame of my sins weighed heavily on my mind. My need for my “medicine” (addiction) grew suddenly. The walls and barriers caused my additive behavior to jump to new more dangerous actions. I began to see my physical, temporal barriers to protect me from my addiction as a prison, not as protection. What I learned painfully was that mere physical, temporal stop measures will not stop the behavior in the long term. Only temporal effort coupled with a 100% honest and fearless repentance could restore me to sanity.

Why so many failures before? I made over 100 sincere, though misguided attempts at repentance. These efforts, while genuine, were timid, fearful attempts to maintain some sense of earthly reward. Rewards as simple as: my ability to bless the sacrament, to have a calling, to serve a mission and give priesthood blessings; all worthy and noble desires. More importantly was my overwhelming desire to be loved and praised. Much of my repentance failed because of my fear of sharing the worst 10% of my sins. Satan had such a powerful grasp on my mind, he kept me in fear of total repentance. “We are only as sick as our secrets.” and Satan would use that 10% to maintain a grasp on our hearts through guilt. These half measures and discounted attempts at repentance failed because I failed to have complete faith in the redeeming power of Jesus Christ. It was only when I truly believed that “Christ has greater power to atone than I have to sin.” that I was able to completely repent. Another contributing factor to my stubborn heart was that I had nothing more to save. My addiction and fear of complete true repentance cost me my temple marriage, I was fired from my job and was on the verge of taking my own life. May your pride never take you to my depths pain and despair.

“What is going to be different this time?” Such a powerful question my bishop asked 2 years ago. 100% honesty was my answer. As that 2 hour session went on, I struggled to remember all the sins and issues that plagued my soul. I promise you there was not a more hopeful moment in my heart than when I walked out of that meeting with my bishop and I had no secrets to fill my soul with guilt. I was ready to do whatever it took to reconcile my life with the Savior. For the first time, I wanted redemption more than I wanted an earthly reward. My sins were great and my consequences were strong. At my excommunication, I listened to the pained, angry, hurt voice of my ex-wife detail all my transgressions and I realized my weakness had caused more pain then I knew. However, her list allowed me to realize I had begun the repentance process for all my sins.

My life had been dismantled around me as the foolish man who built his house upon the sand and whose life was destroyed by the storm. I was that man sitting amongst the ruins of my life on that lonely sand. But there is wisdom in the Lord tearing down my prideful life one brick at a time. As I began my repentance, it was much easier to carry bricks one by one to his “rock” gospel. That day I picked up my two most precious bricks in my life--my 4 and 2 year old sons--and carried them humbly to the Lord and slowly began to build my home upon his rock. I have been so overwhelmed by the rich blessing I have enjoyed by following my Savior’s plan.

My meager success has been based in humble submission to whatever it takes to give 100% honest, sincere repentance. There are keys to recovery and personal revelation I received that allowed me to overcome this powerful addition. These keys are simple in concept difficult in practice.

• Faith in Christ’s atonement as a personal reality in my everyday life. As often as I would sincerely repent and lay my sins upon the altar, Christ would always accept my offering.

• Focus on my relationship with Christ, not my addiction. Keeping my eye on the Tree of Life, not the great and spacious building.

• Letting go of results. Managing my repentance lead to unproductive pressures and expectations. I had no timeline, no preconceived expectations. I simply turned my life over to the Lord and allowed his timeline to guide my life.

• Belief in the concept of eternal progression and letting go of perfection in this life. I am striving for “perfect” faith in Christ.

• “Fear ye not the reproach of men.” I had to learn to not allow other’s feelings towards me to affect my relationship with my Savior. Others who would judge me and my past were not my concern.

• To strive to possess charity for all men, those whom I have harmed, those I loved and mostly for myself.

• Seek only the knowledge of God’s will for me and to have the courage to carry that out.

• Realizing that to be tempted is not a sin, but is part of my mortal experience.

These concepts and lessons were learned and refined in my heart through weekly work with my bishop, a personal counselor and the newly formed pornography addiction group. And, most importantly, I learned these from my Savior. Developing a daily personal relationship with my Savior, who I know is interested in my life and in my personal salvation.

The efforts of my bishop were phenomenal and inspired. “What is going to be different this time?” What is so important is about my relationship with my bishops is that I only get out what I put into it. Partial repentance always reaped partial redemption which is no redemption at all. I am so grateful that my Bishop engaged all resources at his disposal to understand and work with me, to allow me to have the Savior heal me. A fear that my bishop would not understand allowed doubt to enter my heart and allowed Satan’s temptation to hold on to that sickest 10% he would then use to throw my repentance into chaos using guilt.

Many of my bishops would treat this addiction as an unfortunate sin and weakness of personal will power. Many suggested that if “I” try harder “I” can control myself. The focus on my own efforts to overcome my addiction (or manifestation of the natural man), while the intentions were good, this reliance on my will to change is one of the most significant contributors to my failure. This addiction is not a matter of sexual perversion or will power; this addiction is a result of underlying defects of character and an overwhelming lack of faith in the atonement of Jesus Christ. I have equated the temporal or physical suggestions as a bandage applied by a battlefield medic to a severe chest wound. The bandage is a temporary stop gap to allow a surgeon to perform open heart surgery. That surgeon is the Savior, the process is long and complicated, it hurts, and will leave scars. But only deep down inside will the source of this overpowering need for this addiction be identified and worked through. We need more Bishops (medics) who will encourage their members to go through with the surgery now and not allow these wounds to let their souls bleed to death.

Personal counseling was powerful and vital for me to work through my pain and consequences; valuable to help diagnose my underlying defects of character, to search for the source of my need for a mind numbing addiction such as pornography, sex, overeating, shopping and even working too much. This work is valuable and allows time to do valuable soul-searching and gather advice. For the addict, I believe personal individual counseling is imperative. One-on-one therapy is a safe place to work through issues, challenges and feelings free of reprisal. Feelings are baffling things. Many of my feelings are disguised or entangled with each other, and until I worked through them, many of my feelings, fears and pains were much more complex and complicated to decipher on my own.

Marriage counseling should be used as well. My personal experiences were not good--some mistakes that I made. First, we would actually decide how much of our struggles we would discuss. We became closer by hiding the true depths of our issues. We wanted to manage the impression of struggling, we lied to the extent of our problems. Second, later the sessions became 2 vs 1 as my spouse took the time with the counselor to vent and criticize me--all issues she should have used in a personal therapy session for herself. And third, we gave up too soon on the sessions and shortly thereafter we gave up on each other.

The single most powerful tool in overcoming my addiction has been the pornography and sexual addiction support group that is sponsored by the Family Services of the Church and is an inspired priority of the Prophet and the First Presidency. This group is powerful. Humble, broken, hopeful, searching brethren gather once a week to search their souls for the lasting forgiveness of the atonement of Christ. These meetings are an oasis of the spirit and I have felt personally protected from the temptation of Satan as I attend these meetings. Based on the inspired 12 steps of Alcoholics Anonymous, but they are completely supported by the Book of Mormon and the Gospel of Jesus Christ. We as a group labor weekly to become more Christ-like, to have the faith to believe in Christ, the willingness to repent and forsake of all of our sins and make righteous efforts to make amends to those whom we had harmed. Then we serve others in their efforts to find the peace and serenity of Jesus Christ.

I attended the first meeting of the group in my city and have worked the 12 steps one step a week for over 8 plus rounds. The opportunity to break out of the isolation of being an addict is such a powerful tool for recovery. We share and open up to each other and never judge one another. I have attended over 100 meetings and on average we have had 15 brethren share their hope and desires to be made whole by the Savior. That is over 1500 sincere testimonies of hope and repentance from over 125 individuals. There is no doubt in my mind these meetings are inspired and are the most powerful part of my week. “Where two or three of you are gathered together in my name as touching one thing, behold, there will I be in the midst of them” (D&C 6:32). We are a flock of black sheep gathered together to hear our Savior’s voice and seek his divine guidance.

It is my witness and testimony to the power of my Savior to restore my life to sanity and bless my broken soul with the peace of the atonement. I am on the eve of my rebaptism into his fold and over 15 months “sober” from my once powerfully destructive addiction. I did very little to overcome my addiction myself. I did work very diligently to improve my relationship and faith in Christ. I trusted that the Lord would accept my attempts at repentance and bless my life as I tried to follow his teachings and example. I learned to turn my will over to him and allow him to guide my day. I turned temptations over to him with faith and trusted he would sustain me in my most trying hours. He did and he will be there for you, too. I learned that to repent often is the key--to take thoughts and simple lies to the Lord before they become actions. By asking the Savior for forgiveness and help in removing the thoughts from my mind, I found that Christ is happy to take them from me. I learned I did not need not make a huge mistake before I could take my sins to the Lord. I’ve learned to listen to the spirit. I have learned that the Lord has his own timetable for my life and I am at peace with his plan for my life.

Mostly I have accepted that my “Goliath” to overcome in this life is and will always be this addiction. I am grateful for that knowledge. I have come to respect and understand the great loss that this addiction has put into my life. I truly feel as the Nephites of old, being compelled to be humble. I am so grateful that when I had nothing else to lose, I chose to come back to Christ and he blessed me and carried me all the way back. Mostly I wish to express my deepest gratitude to my Savior and all the people he has blessed my life with: my Bishop, my parents who learned a new way to love me, my beautiful boys, my counselor, and the 125 plus brothers who have shared their hope, fears and deepest desires of their hearts with me. It is my prayer for you all, “May the Lord bless your soul, and receive you at the last day into his kingdom, to sit down in peace.” (Alma 38:15) This is my prayer and solemn witness in the name or our Lord and Savior, even Jesus Christ. Amen.